SOUL-MATES
(A TV COMEDY)
THE ‘EMPRESS’
BY
Umoru Haruna
03.11.14
INT.SOULMATES’ FLAT. DAY
CHINEDU is on computer.
HASSAN and LADIN are playing a game of chess.
LADIN
Check!
He is hysterical.
HASSAN
Oops!
How?
HASSAN plays a move. LADIN calms down
CHINEDU
The
internet is the best thing that ever happened to man in the twenty first century
HASSAN
you can use it to research, issues expand your knowledge, Know places and people you
never dreamed of before. Access to do business with people you never met
before.
LADIN
It
gives you what you seek!
CHINEDU
Yea! For me, fine babes! They abound here! From
Africans, to Americans Europeans to Asians. Fat
ho! Slim ho! The categories are endless!
HASSAN and LADIN look at each other and then hissed
BOLA comes in from the bathroom.
BOLA
What
were you saying about the internet?
(CONTINUED)
CHINEDU
Bros come and check this one out!
CHINEDU
adjust the computer for BOLA’s convenience.
CHINEDU (CONTD)
Countless people have gotten their soul mates,
partners from here. Come try.
BOLA
I cannot see myself doing such. I[refer physical
contact and toasting. this internet thing is not my life
CHINEDU
Old
school
HASSAN
Check!
HASSAN gets up HASSAN (CONTD)
And Mate
LADIN
No! Wait!
HASSAN
Bye I
have classes
HASSAN leaves
his. HASSAN
I’m
off to library.
He goes to pack his books into his bag.
LADIN
The
game has not ended. You’ll come back to
resume
it
lADIN gently lifts the chess board puts it on top of
the cupboard. He picks his bag and goes out.
LADIN
You better be careful this strange
women you are looking at.
Go
sit down! Bush boy. So bros…
CHINEDU
and BOLA continue chatting with a girl; online.
Minutes
later BOLA is alone on the computer chatting with a girl on facebook.
BOLA
Care
to pay me a visit!
V
O
I need to know you first before paying
you a visit.
BOLA
So
what do you want to know.
BOLA
continue to chart as the scene fades out.
INT.
SOULMATE HOUSE. NIGHT
The
housemates are doing different this. CHINEDU on computer. hassan and ladin continue
their game. BOLA comes in with ROSALITAS a beautiful young lady. As soon as she
enters they all make catcalls and comments about the lady.
(CONTINUED)
BOLA
Meet my homies. Chinedu, the computer whiz kid.
CHINEDU
Just call me chy. Anything you want on net
just tell
me I’ll bring it out from its hiding.
Please to meet
you.
ROSALITAS
Beautiful. Handsome .
CHINEDU chills on this.
BOLA
These crazy ones
love playing games.
Don’t mind that.
They are serious minded
persons their life
is based on a tripod of
library, school And home. Very efficient!
HASSAN
Please
to meet you! You must be from Portugal.
LADIN
Can’t you see she is from Italy? I can
not mistake the features
ROSALITAS
Such
intelligent men. I am actually from
Italy.
BOLA
takes her to the couch
BOLA
So
what do I offer you?
(CONTINUED)
ROSALITAS
Nothing just being with you
is enough entertainment for me!
HASSAN
That
is where you are wrong nobody
HASSAN slides onto the couch
HASSAN(CONTD)
Visits the crib
and not get entertained
Chinedu get her some soft drink, let her
feel the warmth of our home.
CHINEDU
It’s
my pleasure to do so
HASSAN
So
what do you do for a living?
ROSALITAS
I am
a so-o-cial worker
HASSAN
Splendid!
So where is your office?
I’ll
want to….
BOLA
Please, please, please. I didn’t bring
her for a job interview. If you
don’t mind.
BOLA
makes a sign that he should leave
BOLA(CONTD)
Don’t
mind him my dear Roosaliita. He
He merely wants to get close
and personal with you.
ROSALITAS
I don’t mind that. Didn’t they say the more
the merrier.
The
soul mates are excited. CHINEDU comes in with the drink s lays them on the
table sits on the ccouch close to ROSALITA. BOLA moves over forces himself
between them.
BOLA
Don’t you have something to do on
your computer? Now…!
BOLA signals he leaves. CHINEDU goes to his computer
grudgingly. The other house mates move to the dinninng section still staring at
BOLA and ROSALITA. BOLA brings out a phone.
BOLA(CONTD)
Let’s have some shots. Hey come and take
us photos.
HASSAN
acts the photographer. They make different postures.
BOLA
That will do. Rosalita babe what about we
going out this place is becoming stuffy.
ROSLITA
Whatever
you say! I’m all yours
BOLA
Just
as I am yours too!
ROSALITA
I’ll
be back handsome hunks
BOLA
and ROSALITA kiss passionately
ROSALITA(CONTD)
au
revoir
BOLA and ROSALITA go out. HASSAN and LADIN look each
other then rush at CHINEDU’s computer
CHINEDU
Hey,
hey. What’s up?
HASSAN
and LADIN start punching at the computer.
Minutes
later.
NUURUL
enters the room
NUURUL
What am I hearing papa B brought a
classy babe, today?
CHINEDU
If
you see her!
NUURUL
At
last thank God!
CHINEDU
It is the power of internet
facebook
to be specific.
HASSAN
Come
see!
HASSAN
shows him the pictures on his handset.
NUURUL
The face looks familiar but I
can’t
pin point the connection.
CHINEDU
May
be facebook
NUURUL
No! but I’ve seen that face
before..! Anyway good luck to papa B!
BOLA
enters the room
BOLA
I am in love with Rooo
sa-liiiii-taaa
we’ve been to london Italy new
York and
Tokyo. Places I’d never dreamed
of! Boy
Malaysia sweet oooooh!
HASSAN
(In
Yoruba)
Enjoy yourself bro! But don’t forget
your mission here!
BOLA
Mission?
HASSAN
You
must make it and return to Naija.
BOLA
Return? Where the empress goes there the
Emperor shall be!
(Lowered voice)
NUURUL
The man is not going home again!
BOLA
The
only issue now is that an empress
needs
cash to be impressed! Can anyone
of you lend me some money?
HASSAN LADIN CHNEDU
Oh
no!
BOLA
Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy is the root
of
hatred.
As
BOLA is singing and going out he meets lADIN by the door
ladin
Ooh
bros. the only papa B!
BOLA
does not answer him
BOLA
Whatever!
LADIN
Hey! What is wrong with him?
I hope he is not on drugs.
NUURUL
Please
let me see that picture again
HASSAN
What
picture?
NUURUL
That one you took with Rooo-sa-liiii-taa.
I think I’m remembering the face again.
NUURUL looks at the picture
NUURUL
I said it before! Iknow that face
somewhere! She’s the one. She is a
prostitute at Tamitas Palace Hotel.
CHINEDU
Too
bad! Bros ooh!
HASSAN
So how do we tell him? The man is
already an emperor!
NUURUL
I will. What else can we do? Better tell
him than allow him fall deeper in lust!
CHINEDU
No. let’s leave him. Papa B would not listen
to anyone that would tarnish the
image of his empress!
HASSAN
Let’s confront her warn scare her or beat
her up if need be. She‘ll run away!
NUURUL
No my friend. They are two
consenting adult
if we beat her that would go against the law!
CHINEDU
He’ll soon get over her. let’s just
watch and see!
INT. SOULMATES’ HOUSE. DAY
CHINEDU
and NUURUL have brush and toothpaste ready to go to the bathroom. HASSAN is out
of the bathroom he is drying himself up. NUURUL is seated on the couch reading!
LADIN is having breakfast.
NUURUL
Guys! Have you seen papa B this morning?
I think the man slept out.
HASSAN
He
should be with his empress.
NUURUL
This is getting too far! We are responsible
him you know.
CHINEDU(B.O)
I’m not responsible for any old man.
he made his choice!
LADIN
I bet he is having a
swell time with his empress!
NUURUL
Guys as soon as he walks through that door
I would tell him about Rosalita of Tamitas
Palace Hotel.
BOLA enters all merry and happy.
BOLA
Boys. Boys. Boys. I never knew there could
this much fun in Malaysia
CHINEDU
You
were with her. Weren’t you?
BOLA
Very intelligent! I was with my
Empress! I am giving her something
faantaastic this evening!
LADIN
You are still seeing her this evening
you got us worried you know!
BOLA
Is that so? Don’t blame me! When you
are with Rosalitas time flies, and you
forget where you are coming from and
where you are going! You are aloft!
CHINEDU
All
this for ashawo!
BOLA
What?
What did you just say?
HASSAN takes CHINEDU away.
HASSAN
Don’t mind him. What he meant is that
the empress may be too hot for you.
BOLA
The hotter the better! Thought he
wanted to bad-mouth my empress!
CHINEDU
I
cannot take this anymore.
CHINEDU storms out.
BOLA
Infact when next we meet I’ll beg her
to be my wife.
HASSAN
WIFE?
NUURUL
Wife?
CHINEDU(B.S)
Wife?
BOLA
Why the surprise? Don’t worry she is
not coming here. I will move in with
her! My dear empress!
(BOLA’s phone rings)
BOLA
(CONTD)
Empress
Rooosaliiitas welcome to our kingdom!
(pause)
I
thought we were to meet later this evening.
(Pause)
Okay, I’m waiting. Boys, let’s make this place
conducive for an empress! She ‘ll soon be here!
NUURU
Whatever
you say your highness.
LADIN
This
is becoming silly. Let’s talk to him now!
NUURUL
wait.
Let’s hear her first.
Few minutes later. Bola is seated on the couch. The
others are floating around.
B
S
Door
bell rings
BOLA
Chinedu could you be useful enough to
attend to the door
CHINEDU
CHINEDU goes to open the door ROSALITAS enters she
teases CHINEDU
ROSALITAS
Handsome
baby face!
ROSALITAS
pinches CHINEDU on his stomach. CHINEDU does not respond. HASSAN goes to
welcome ROSALITAS. The house mates go to seat on the couch.
BOLA
Sweet empress!
HASSAN gives her a kiss. ROSALITAS withdraw she is
visibly worried.
BOLA
(CONTD)
Lets
go to the imperial throne
He turns sees the boys on the couch he looks at them
sternly they all leave the couch for the back of the couch. BOLA takes
ROSALITAS to the couch they sit.the boys move close
to the couch making ROSALITAS
uncomfortable. ROSALITAS looks at the boys breathing over them.
BOLA
(CONTD)
Guys, Could you please grant us some
breathing space?
BOLA and ROSALITAS speak simultaneously.
BOLA
ROSALITAS
Actually I’ve been…. This few days…
BOLA ROSALITAS
No girl has had influence … you are a sweet…
Pause briefly
BOLA
Ok.
You talk first.
ROSALITAS
(Takes
in a deep breath)
Sweety! You are a sweet loving
caring
guy. I never knew Africans could be this
sweet, caring and even romantic. I
would
want us to continue the relationship.
(Pause briefly)
BOLA
Yea,
yea, me too. That is why .. ok… you
speak!
I’m just excited! speak on!
ROSALITAS
The few moments we’ve been together are
the best I’ve had in any relationship!
trust me, I’ve had quite a few!
BOLA
O yea? wait for me I’ll impress you more
my empress!
ROSALITAS
Please
don’t make this difficult for me!
BOLA
Ok.
Go ahead!
ROSALITAS
Listen to me please! Like I was saying,
you’ve given me attention and devotion
worthy of a princess
BOLA
An
empress, an empress that’s what you are!
BOLA stands up for emphasis
ROSALITAS
I am
not cut out for that! I want us to break
up!
BOLA
You
didn’t say that.
ROSALITAS
Really!
I’m a social worker.
BOLA
I
know you told me that!
ROSALITAS
You don’t know. I attend to men’s
emotional needs for a fee.
BOLA
You
mean you pros…
ROSALITAS
Prostitution! People call it that but we
prefer the term sex worker, escort or
social worker. So you see my friend why I’m
not the right woman for you!
BOLA
I don’t mind the men you‘ve been with. That
is in the past! Let’s start a new life a
new family together!
ROSALITAS
(Shaking her head)
No! I’ve tried
that with three men it didn’t
work. I don’t want to disappoint you. let’s separate now as
good friends rather than later as angry husband and wife!
BOLA is speechless. ROSALITA gently gets up. Hassan
goes to open the door for her. He has a heavy grin on his face he bows for
ROSALITAS. ROSALITAS goes out waving them bye Bye. They all respond with a
silent wave except BOLA.
BOLA
(As
the door is shut)
My
empress! And I was going to give her
this!
BOLA brings an
engagement ring and tosses it up.
The
housemates gather round BOLA to comfort him and admire the engagement ring.
HASSAN
What
a beautiful ring.
NUURUL
The
ring is actually an imperial ring.
LADIN
Not
for an ashawo empress.
They all laugh. CHINEDU runs to the computer starts
clicking at the key board.
HASSAN
What!
CHINEDU
I
have a huge data base of potential
Empresses
for the emperor!
HASSAN
LADIN NUURUL
Not
again!
BOLA
Shut
down that machine!
They
all gather over CHINEDU in a threatening postures.
The End
Umoru
Haruna
+234-08033214226
