SAIDO AND THE POLIZE (A screenplay) by Umoru Haruna

SAIDO AND THE POLIZE

(A screenplay)

by

AUTHOR UmoruHaruna

EXT.DAY. STREET.

SAIDO walks down the street. He goes to buy bread, groundnut and sachet water. His money is not enough. SAIDO pleads with the seller. She obliges him. Seller gives SAIDO an additional sachet of water. SAIDO thanks her and leaves. The SELLER looks pitifully at SAIDO. SAIDO looks at the things he just bought. He gulps down one of the sachet of water. He throws the nylon away carelessly. He continues his journey yanks of an edge of the nylon he is holding starts chopping the bread and chewing the groundnut in his hand. SAIDO gets to a shaded place sits down leans against the tree and continue his meal.

EXT.DAY.MINI VAN ON ROAD

Three men in black and a driver are in the van. The van moves slowly.

YOHANA

Oga! Today dry …oooh! No single person for road!

INSPECTOR

True e dry, but na small thing! People must come out we must catch somebody! Someone must be on the road. People have refused to commit crime!

YOHANA

And if there is no crime we become jobless! Weting we go chop?

KAYODE

And oga for top want us to bring criminals

INSPECTOR (CONT)

Ooooh yes! That is the business! If people don’t want to commit crime you make them commit one! -Criminalize them! Joblessness!

YOHANA              KAYODE

Na offence       Na offence

INSPECTOR

Wandering

YOHANA              KAYODE

Na offence        Na offence

INSPECTOR

Smoking especially weeeeeed! Igbo!

YOHANA               KAYODE

Na offence      Na offence

INSPECTOR

Fighting! In public!

YOHANA                 KAYODE

Na offence          Na offence

INSPECTOR

Having no identity card!

YOHANA            KAYODE

Na offence           Na offence

INSPECTOR

No Voter’s car

YOHANA                  KAYODE

Na offence           Na offence

INSPECTOR

Anything and everything!

YOHANA                  KAYODE

Na offence           Na offence

INSPECTOR

Once they get to the station, oga Jonah will create the offence! Yohana!

YOHANA

 Sir!

INSPECTOR

A man resting under a tree!

YOHANA                 KAYODE

Na offence          Na offence

INSPECTOR

Nuisance! Miscreant! Jobless man! Wanderer! Public embarrassment!

YOHANA              KAYODE

Na offence        Na offence

INSPECTOR

Kamoru!

DRIVER

Yes sha!

INSPECTOR

INSPECTOR (C0NTD)

Block him down!

DRIVER accelerates towards SAIDO

EXT. DAY. STREET

SAIDO is dozing with his food by his side. His sachet water is pouring away from his hand. Van speeds on towards SAIDO stops suddenly close to SAIDO with heavy beeping. Saido wakes suddenly and is prevented from escaping by YOHANA and KAYODE who alighted even before the van halted.

YOHANA

She-e-e-ge! Get up!

KAYODE

Enter moto!

SAIDO

Which moto?

KAYODE

You blind?

SAIDO looks around surprised. KAYODE gives him a slap from behind.

SAIDO

Oga! wetin I do?

YOHANA and KAYODE manhandle SAIDO. INSPECTOR comes down from the vehicle

INSPECTOR

Easy boys! Easy!

YOHANA          KAYODE

Tion sir!           sonshaaaaa!

YOHANA and KAYODE salute INSPECTOR in grotesque manner.

INSPECTOR

Be gentle, be civil, he is our friend!

YOHANA          KAYODE

The police!   Is your friend!

YOHANA

You make oga come down.

KAYODE

 Another offence

SAIDO
wetinido? Who are you?

YOHANA

Shaaaraaap!

KAYODE
iwoooomojuabi? You don’t know police?

INSPECTOR

Easy officers! Easy! Boy what is your name? And, what are you doing here?

SAIDO

Saido. Just dey rest!

INSPECTOR(CONTD)

Saido-just-they-rest? Who gave you that name? Your papa?

SAIDO

Saidona my name! Me I rest here!

INSPECTOR

Oookay !Let’s see!-Your I. D.

SAIDO

I no get!

INSPECTOR

-Your national I.D!

SAIDO

I no get. I beEkitikete!

INSPECTOR

Illegal immigrant! Togolese!

SAIDO

No! Ekiti!

Inspector

Let’s see your voter’s card!

SAIDO

I no dey vote!

INSPECTOR

You seee! You are a bloody fool! Enter the van! Now!

SAIDO

SAIDO(CONTD)

Oga!To go-where?

YOHANA

You are under automatic arrest!

SAIDO

Arrest?For wetin?

KAYODE

You go know for tey-son!

INSPECTOR

Boys!

YOHANA            KAYODE

Tuualeee!!     Son shaaaaaah!!

Boys assume grotesque attention postures.

INSPECTOR

Are you wasting time on this idiot! …this bastard! Buuundlehiiiim!

SAIDO and YOHANA collide with each other in their confused frenzy.  The scuffle continues. SAIDO resists arrest

SAIDO

Meeni lo see! I no go go! Ma kusibeee! Meee lo tey son!Peesin no get work, he deymonage. You say tey son! Enter moto! Me ni enter see!

INSPECTOR (CONTD)

SHARRAP! So you want to prove you are stubborn,abi? You are a suspect infact a criminal, a convict!

SAIDO

Na criminal, to rest! I chop groundnut and bread. I,nogo rest?Na criminal, to siddon rest?

KAYODE

If you like siddon look! Na offence! Abi?

YOHANA

Na offence! Oga don talk am!

INSPECTOR

The police must be proactive! You can’t commit that crime you’ve planned

SAIDO

Which crime?

YOHANA

Youuuuask  oga question! You go know for station

KAYODE

Oyangtey son! You go smell your mama yansh!

SAIDO

Oga no call my mama!

KAYODE

Your mama yansh!

YOHANA

And your papa!

INSPECTOR

Okay! Where do you live?

SAIDO

Back of this street, with my friends

INSPECTOR

Your fri-i-i-e-e-ends! Fantastic! You mean your criminal friends! I want to know them! Yohana! Oya!

YOHANA and KAYODE look at each other suddenly resume attempt to bundle SAIDO into the van. Youth gather,

SAIDO

Na lie! I no go go! Kill me! Kayoed!Omo Yoruba nieeeoooo!

KAYODE

sarrap! I am on duty don’t call my name!

SAIDO

I wan dieooooh! E gba mi oooo! They done kill me oooo!!

YOHANA and KAYODE are ruffied YOHANA’s trousers are falling off. KAYODE’S shirt is loosened.

YOHANA

Oga! This boy stubborn!

KAYODE

Gidigan!

INSPECTOR

Don’t tell me that! He is criminal. Break him! …tame him! If need be break his bones! Throw him into the van!

Pause

INSPECTOR (CONT.D)

Boy!Do you know I can shoot you?

SAIDO

Oya! Suutuuuu! Suutuu! Suut me! Emi gaansafekusibee!Mo lo siteey-son

YOUTH (1)

What is happening here!

YOUTH (2)

Ekiti kilo jiiiii?

SAIDO

Me man jaleeee!

Jeejee mi,mo je burediatiepa! Me I je tan

SAIDO shows them the remaining bread!

SAIDO(CONTD)

TI orun fi kun mi ki n si fi egbe le lenibei a ya fi gbagbogbigbegba! Ta jitimo ta jiaya fi awonalasodudu.Aya fi enter,…entermoto! Kini  nselekinimoseayafitey son! Tey son! Enter moto! Kining lo senitey son? Me legbonnitey son me niaburonitey son!Tey son ati je?Me jaale. I no thief! No brother for teyson!I no go tey son!

INSPECTOR

You no go station!

INSPECTOR brings out a note pad and pen. Writes!

INSPECTOR (CONTD)

Resisting arrest!

A YOUTH

Oga! Wetin he do?

INSPECTOR

Will you shut up!…And mind your business! Now, everybody, go to your shop!

ALL YOUTH

We no get shop!

INSPECTOR

Go to your work!

ALL YOUTH

We no get work!

INSPECTOR

OH! I see! You are his friends! All criminals

ALL YOUTH

Yes! All criminals!

A YOUTH

Police!

ALL YOUTH

Criminal!

A YOUTH

Inspector

ALL YOUTH

Criminal

A YOUTH

Recruit

ALL YOUTH

Criminal

INSPECTOR

I will arrest all of youth

A youth goes to close the door.

INSPECTOR

Who closed this door?

No answer

INSPECTOR

Oya! Yohana open this door!

YOHANA

Sir!

YOHANA goes to open the door.SIR KAY comes to join them.

SIR KAY

Officer! What is the problem?

INSPECTOR

Shurruuup! Who are you to ask me that question?

INSPECTOR faces YOHANA

INSPECTOR

Yohana you mean you cannot bundle this r-r-r-a-a-a-t

YOHANA                  KAYODE

No sir!           Yes shaaaah!

YOHANA and KAYODE are at attention.

Inspector

What?

YOHANA

All correct sir!

INSPECTOR

Action!

YOHANA and KAYODE resume bundling SAIDO into the van, the youth obstruct them.

SIR KAY

Boys! Deflate the tyres

INSPECTOR

Who said that!

SIR KAY

Me!

INSPECTOR

INSPECTOR (CONTD)

Okay so you are the guy man! Do you know that I am an officer of the law? Do you know what you just said is tantamount to obstructing an officer of the law from carrying out his official duty? Yohana arrest this man!

YOHANA

S-S-I-R?

INSPECTOR

Arrest this man.

YOHANA

Oga this rat never enter moto!

INSPECTOR

Are you mad! Arrest the two of them!

SIR KAY

Not only two of us arrest all of us!

KAYODE

Oga them don plenty pass us oooooo!

INSPECTOR

Attention!

YOHANA

Sir!

SIR KAY

SIR KAY (CONTD)

Ok! To make it easier for you we arrest ourselves! Everybody enter the van!

All the youths scramble for space in the van some settle atop the van. They beat the body of the van to a rhythmic state the van is bouncing under their effect.

KAMORU

Please o na small moto. I beg officer do something!

A YOUTH

Kin na fi do something?

All YOUTH

Owona fi do something oo!

A YOUTH

Kina fi do something?

YOUTHS

Owona fi do sometin o!

A YOUTH

Ofe lo malay

YOUTHS

Owona fi do some thing

A YOUTH

ofefeomo to san

YOUTHS

Owona fi do something!

A YOUTH

Oferamoto!

ALL YOUTH

Owona fi do something!

A YOUTH

OFE SE UM AH! Iknow you understand!

All YOUTH

Sure! We understand!Owona fi se hum ha!-Do something oh!

INSPECTOR is humbled

SIR KAY

Enough, is enough! You can’t just come to our hood and pick innocent people as if they are rats, pests that need to be eroded! We have rights! We know our rights!

INSPECTOR

So you go school!

SIR KAY

Well, well! Not everybody in the ghetto is illiterate, you know!

INSPECTOR

Eenheeeeen!

SIR KAY

Had I wanted to be a police man I would’ve been your superior years ago.

KAYODE

My oga!oga!

INSPECTOR

I knew it! You are a guy-man!

SIR KAY

What guy-man? I’ve two diplomas and two degrees if that makes me a guy-man then I’m a guy-man! Your system did not give me a job! So I chose to be a tailor! Now I pay tax, levies and business permit to a system that does not recognize me. Yet you still come to harass my people! So why won’t I be a guy-man? Oya! To the station!

INSPECTOR

Your people!

INSPECTOR looks at SIR KAY surveys the youths and his incompetent police men! The YOUTHS continue their frenzy.

A YOUTH

Kin na fi do something?

All YOUTH

Owona fi do something oo!

A YOUTH

Kina fi do something?

YOUTHS

Owona fi do sometin o!

A YOUTH

Ofe lo malay

YOUTHS

Owona fi do some thing

A YOUTH

ofefeomo to san

YOUTHS

Owona fi do something!

A YOUTH

Oferamoto!

ALL YOUTH

Owona fi do something!

A YOUTH

OFE SE UM AH! I know you understand!

All YOUTH

Sure! We understand! Owona fi se hum ha!-Do something oh!

INSPECTOR(CONT.)

So you are a hustler! Yahoo yahoo! Guy-man!

SIR KAY

The system does not provide!

A YOUTH

And you must do something

ALL YOUTH

Owona fin do something ooooo!

SIR KAY

We hustle!

A YOUTH

All  of us na hustle!

ALL YOUTH

Owona fin do something oooo!

INSPECTOR

I will arrest you! All of you!

Inspector brings out his note pad

INSPECTOR

Obstruction!

ALL YOUTH

eeee!

INSPECTOR

Con…con…coninnivance! conspire!

ALL YOUTH

Eeee!

INSPECTOR

wandering!

ALL YOUTH

Eeee!

INSPECTOR

Constituting societal nuisance!

ALL YOUTH

Eeee!

INSPECTOR

Disturbing public peace!

ALL YOUTH

EEEE!

A YOUTH puffs out smoke

INSPECTOR

Smoking weed and consuming substance!

ALL YOUTH

Eeee!

INSPECTOR

I will arrest you for unemployment and four-One-Nine!

ALL YOUTH

Eeeee!

SIR KAY

Let us go! We are already in the van! What are you waiting for?come loin us at the station

A YOUTH

On foot!

A YOUTH

orokada! Ki na fin g do something?

ALL YOUTH

Owona fin ng do something ooooo!

A YOUTH

In fact take!

A YOUTH offers INSPECTOR money

A YOUTH

Kin na fin ng do something?

ALL YOUTH

Owona fin do something oooooo!

ALL YOUTH laugh. Continue singing derisive song and kina fin do something song. They are in a frenzy beating the van as musical instrument. INSPECTOR marks sentry. INSPECTOR stops!

INSPECTOR

Will you all get out of this van, this vehicle, this moto? This instant!

ALL YOUTH

NOOOOOO!

SIR KAY

We are going to your station! Which station officer?

INSPECTOR

You are mad!

SIR KAY

Yes I am M-A-D! making a difference! You ngko?

INSPECTOR

Do you know I can shoot you one by one?

There is silence. SIR KAY jumps out of the vanspreads his shirt to reveal his chest

SIR KAY

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot me!

INSPECTOR fidgets takes a snipper stance cocks his gun,but does not shoot

INSPECTOR

Don’t make me do something!

Silence.

SIR KAY

OYA do something!

Inspector relaxes uncocks his gun

SIR KAY

Ki ni won fin ng do something

ALL YOUTH

Owonafinngdo something!

ALL YOUTHS resume their frenzy and singing.

INSPECTOR

Yohana! This is a situation! Call ogajonah! Now!

YOHANA brings out his cell phone. A youth collects other youths come out of the van and they toss the phone around as YOHANA scampers to and fro to retrieve it. The phone darts around and finally disappear!

YOHANA

Oga! My …phone! …is missing! Stolen!

INSPECTOR

INSPECTOR (CONTD)

Stolen! Ok!

INSPECTOR brings out pad writes.

INSPECTOR

Steals policeman’s property! Guy-man! You are in soup!

SIR KAY

Let’s lick it!

The youths laugh

SIR KAY

Driver! Oya enter the van take us to the station!

KAMORU

I don’t know

Oga sir kay,tell your people to come down, this moto no fit carry everybody.Them go damage my moto!

SIR KAY

So it is for arresting only one person at a time. Which station?

KAMORU

I don’t know,

SIR KAY

I suspect this people.

SIR KAY turns to INSPECTOR.

SIR KAY (CONTD)

Oga show me your I.D

INSPECTOR

Wha….wha…what do you mean?

Youth start to alight from the van.

YOUTH 1

Olopa! Your ID card!

ALL YOUTH

ID card

YOUTH 2

Your voter’s card

ALL YOUTH

Voter’s Card

YOUTH

Show me your particulars

ALL YOUTH

Olopa show me your party-cola

INSPECCTOR turns to each youth that speaks but he is helpless. He becomes a caricature. INSPECTOR Sits at the edge of the entrance of the van.

INSPECTOR

Guy-man! You see what you have caused! Yohana!

YOHANA

Sir! Oga water don pass garri!

INSPECTOR

Shurrup! I am an officer of the law! I’m in charge here!

YOUTHS begin to sing derisive songs and dance round the three officers tossing them to the center. They taunt them. They pick kayode’s beret toss around. On getting it back KAYODE sneaks away!

INSPECTOR

Yohana!

YOHANA

Sir!

INSPECTOR

Where is kayoed?

YOHANA peers around sees KAYODE. Points at him and darts his eyes sideways

INSPECCTOR

copral! kayode!

No answer

INSPECTOR

Kayode! Come here this minute!

KAYODE

Sir!

INSPECCTOR

Come here this minute!

KAYODE bolts into a race to escape. The YOUTHS make a chase towards him. YOHANA escapes through the opposite side. INSPECTOR escapes through another route. The driver attempts to drive off, but, the vehicle is wedged!

A youth

Lets burn this moto!

KAMORU

I beg o! E no be police motoooo! I be driver they arrested Me too niiooo!

SIR KAY

Don’t burn the van! OgaDriver!

YOUTHS apprehend the driver.

SIR KAY

Now talk!

KAMORU

I beg oooo! I be driver looking for food!

SAIDO

And you follow police to arrest me!

DRIVER

I go school,secondary, no work! I learn welding. No work! I do house agent!

YOUTHS

No customer!

KAMORU

That is why I carry steering for korope, so I can feed my family! My wife get bele, my children, three are in private school! No government school for my area! I don’t want them to send them out of school for school fees!

SIR KAY

 We know all that! Tell us what we don’t know! How come you are with the police?

KAMORU

Korope is on higher purchase. Everyday mechanic! Everyday LASMA! Everyday VIO!

SIR KAY

You and the police!

KAMORU

Every minute! Na for police!

For three days now koropedey for mechanic! Today I come out police catch me!

A YOUTH

Are you a rat?

General laughter

SIR KAY

Let’s hear him!

KAMORU

I had no money to settle sowe settled!

SIR KAY

How?

KAMORU

I convey them to raid and at the end of the day they release me to go! They are not police men! They are agents of inspector Jonah! Their duty is to bring innocent people to the station and jonah will arrange a criminal offence against them!

YOUTHS

Ah! Ah!

SIR KAY

You see! You see! Continue!

KAMOPRU

Anyone caught will have to bail himself or call someone to bail him with money! Even children are caught and their parents made to pay for police taking care of them!

SIR KAY

Tjat is kidnapping!

YOUTHs

Ehn! Ehn!

KAMORU

At the end of the day all the agents would be given commission!

General ovation.

SIR KAY

You nko…what is your commission!

KAMORU

Nothing!

SIR KAY

Nothing?

KAMORU

Nothing!

A YOUTH

Is a lie lets beat him!

KAMORU

Nothing! If I vex they will arrest me, detain me, and my moto. And still collect money from me!

A YOUTH

Why not run away?

KAMORU

If I run today,tomorrow nko?

SAIDO

It’s a lie they are together. Let’s beat him! He nearly break my legwith moto.

SIR KAY

Nno! No! no! Don’t touch him any of us could be in his shoes. He was also a victim!

A YOUTH

Let’s go burn the station!

SIR KAY
No! We are not criminals! That is what they want us to be.

Silence

SIR KAY (cont.)

Saido

SAIDO

Egbon mi!

SIR KAY

SIR KAY puts a hand on saido’s shoulder

SIR KAY

We all see how saido resisted illegal arrest! Whenever they want to raid unlawfully we should resist them; shout, scream and even cry if need be! Let people come out and witness the so called arrest or raiding. If you don’t do so, once you are in their custody not much can be done! They can even plant anything on you!

SAIDO

Oga-jonah!

SIR KAY

 Concerning jonah, we will write a strongly worded petition against him to all concerned authority. I assure you he will be replaced.  No matter the provocation don’t ever burn a police station or any other property for that matter. Always be law abiding! Kamoru!

The YOUTHS push the driver forward

A YOUTH

Lets touch him small!

SIR KAY

Why? He is also a victim! take your van and drive off.

KAMORU

Thank you bros

SIR KAY

Let’s go back to our hustle!

The YOUTHS still give KAMORU a mock beating and beat his vehicle as it zooms off. All go away gradually as the camera fades out!

The End

UmoruHaruna

17.11. 2017

Ejigbo.